Restless

The nightmares started again.

One by one fill my head,

one by one distorting my senses.

I‘m feeling restless, and I can’t tell why,

uncertainty is taking the best of me.

.

I‘m looking for answers,

nightmares show up in the darkest times,

I dig in my brain and can’t find reason,

I overthink everything twice,

delirium is taking the worst of me.

.

I stay in silence,

analyze every step forward, every step back,

I retrace my feelings and the memories I have.

I dig in my brain and can’t find the reason.

for all of this restless collision.

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I dreamed.

I dreamed with him, he held me and with the same smile that I remember, he told me not to blame myself for leaving him, that everything was fine. He made me feel better again, he made me think about him again, and to wish for him to be here with me, again. To think that maybe things would be much easier with him by my side and discover all these new places and new ways of doing things with him holding my hand, I was crying, I don’t understand why, but it felt so good to be held by his peace again, even if it was just a dream that by this hour of the day it feels so far away. Then something darkened in me, a strange feeling I can’t really describe, and he wasn’t holding me when that happened.

I dreamed with them, the same smiling couple I remember, she, one of my best friends, once I thought. I love her, but I’m afraid I never meant to her what she means to me. There’s so many things she wouldn’t have done if so. Even when she keeps saying I am one of her best friends. We had a very strange friendship. And I really don’t know where I stand now, where we stand now. I left the country, and I’m sure if I don’t contact her, she ever won’t.

I dreamed with that guy who once freed me, joking and complaining just like I remember. That guy I didn’t have because of my lack of self security, that guy who made me feel something similar than music, and that is hard to say. But I’m sure now, that wasn’t love.

***

The five of us where preparing pizza, laughing and joking just like I remember, some part of me want it to happen again. Some part of me would rather to go back to that time, I was happy then.

Tell me something about you.

Tell me something about you. Come on don’t be scared. Yeah I know it’s not easy to trust people after being broken down, specially when that pain came from people you love, I mean, a couple.. it’s sort of predictable, it’s meant to be somehow, now that I think about it maybe you didn’t love him enough, otherwise you would be under the ground. But when a friend turns you down, or when family turns you down, who can you trust now? It’s imposible to believe that, it feels like the whole world conspires against you, like there’s no more space for you, and suddenly you feel that you’re alone, and it means the freaking world when some other friend tells you “I can’t meet you today”, you start questioning yourself, you start doubting the people who are around you, and the worst thing is that you start to see the bad things of the world, thinking about second hidden intentions in everything people do, and when your head is about to explode you don’t tell anybody afraid they could use it agains you, to torture you, to manipulate you. So you start to play the tough girl, the one who doesn’t need anybody to be fine, the one who doesn’t let people get too close, and then you have some acquaintances but none truly friend, and you smile and laugh, but none of them are true, you just enjoy the moment, but you don’t feel any better when you’re alone again and demons start eating your head. And at the end of the day you find yourself alone and empty, and you blame yourself for letting that to happen, for not being truth no matter what, for building up walls that now people find so hard to go through, that they just rather walk away, they don’t stay to find out the good person you know you’re inside, even when you yourself deny it, because you already saw so much evil that in some point of the path you started thinking that you aren’t a good person either.

But that’s ok babe, the good thing is that now you know it, now you’ve realized it, and you can still do something about it, you can still be truth. And the first step to be honest with the world is to stop lying to yourself, so do it.

Now tell me something about you, you can give it a try, right?

Living with spiders.

⁃ Take me away. No, wait, first I have to recall the spiders.

⁃ What are you talking about?

⁃ The spiders, they’re the ones that had been hunting me. I have to say they look like butterflies sometimes, but I know deep inside they are spiders.

⁃ Then call out for them and let’s go.

⁃ The feeling is strange, am I really leaving? Can I really look forward with my eyes in the past? I’m following withered footprints.

⁃ And the steps you don’t want to remember.

⁃ Right, that too.

⁃ The miracle won’t show up on its own, you have to help.

⁃ What about the first time?

⁃ What?

⁃ When you do something for the first time, you have to make a wish, this is the first time I’m leaving home.

⁃ Wasn’t that when you see a shooting star?

⁃ Then we have to find one, and I’ll have two wishes!

⁃ Ok, we’ll look for one. But hurry up, the train is leaving.

⁃ Wait! I’m still missing two spiders.

⁃ Do you want me to help?

⁃ No, this is something I have to do.

⁃ What are you gonna do with them after?

⁃ I’m going to burn then.

⁃ Why?

⁃ So they don’t bother me again and I can move on, I told you, they’re spiders disguised as butterflies.

⁃ Ok, ok, but, why don’t you just hold them?

⁃ Why would I want to do that?

⁃ Because you can’t just live with butterflies pretending everything is beautiful, you have to learn to live with both, how are you gonna learn from your mistakes if you don’t know what they are?

⁃ I don’t need the spiders to remain me that.

⁃ Just saying you don’t have to burn them.

⁃ If I give them away they are going to bother someone else.

⁃ Another reason to keep them.

⁃ I need to move on.

⁃ Yeah, that I do know.

Brumes.

After the sixth cup of coffee my head starts spinning, the caffeine without sugar is not being very friendly with my stomach and I feel like I will vomit at any moment. I struggle to keep my eyes open but my eyelids seem to have three tons of weight each. I turn on my music player, I put the headphones and look for the most active music possible, I begin to walk around the room moving to the rhythm of the music, I get dizzy, I throw the small coffee thermos of the desk and then I notice that dancing I just ended all the energy that I had left. I fall on the bed, I try to get up but my arms can‘t hold me up.

⁃ “Don’t fall asleep, don’t fall asleep, don’t fall… asleep, don’t… fall… as… leep…, don’t…” -.

I open my eyes, I look around, everything is the same except for the fact that the carpet has absorbed all the coffee. I try to move but my body doesn’t respond, I start to despair, I feel something approaching me … it’s an animal, I know, I don’t understand why I know it, but I know it. It goes up to my bed and come close to me … it’s a wolf … I try to scream, hit something, get the attention of someone who takes me out of here, the animal is on my back, I feel its heat, I despair more, it breathes in a hectic way on my neck, I’m afraid, I want to escape, I can‘t get it, its intensity increases, I feel it closer, I panic and I realize that my room is with the light on … I only had the lamp on …

⁃ Laura! – yells Jaco

I find myself screaming when I open my eyes, I tremble, I am terrified, I almost do not hold my breath and I feel that my heart is going to come out.

⁃ It’s ok, it’s ok, I’m here – he’s breathless – I got you.

I cling to his arms like a child in their mother’s arms after facing the most terrifying of their monsters. His hand holds my head on his chest, the other covers my back with the blanket. His heat calms me although I think that his eyes are more effective, they are the ones that always bring me back to reality. He caresses me, he doesn’t move from my side, he waits for me to calm down with an infinite patience, watching each one of my breathings.

⁃ Jaco – I speak to him

⁃ Yes?

⁃ … don’t let me sleep.

Dear music.

Speak through me, speak the words I am afraid to say but not to sing.
Play the feeling I am afraid to show but not to perfom.
Tell the world I am an empty hole, because I couldn’t dare.
Show my madness as only you know how to do.
Scream for me, scream through me.
After all you’re the only one that’s been always there.
How many times have you heal my soul?
How many times have you undone my wounds?
How many times have you saved my life?
Take me to another world, to your world.
Know that I am not afraid of anything as long as I have you.
Bring me back to life.
Let me speak through you,
let me say these words I’m so afraid to tell but not to sing.
Don’t give up on me, please, because there’s no life without you.

I’ve been running.

Fire in the eyes,
and there’s another broken story to believe,
comming from another tree
that grows up more and more,
than I ever thought that it would be,
because I know I’m not the only one.

And I can’t take the poison driving through the vains
and taking everything it can,
it’s not a usual thing to happen,
not a usual thing to happen.

But just because ir hurts
it doesn’t mean that it will burn.
And I’ve been running,
yes, I’ve been running
throught the black and broken glass,
into the sweet monlight, I’ve ben running.

When the night arrives,
I can’t stand it,
I just can’t barely breath.
It’s turning everything into dust
and I won’t be able to keep thinking anymore.
Another broken trigger is up to blur

Death is pulling flaming banner
and I also fall as dirty as I can,
and loving anything that’s living.
Is just another broken trigger.

But just because it bleeds
it doesn’t mean that it will kill.

Talking to myself.

Here I am again,
some would say “talking to myself”,
truth is I’m always waiting for a reply,
alone in my room talking to “someone”
elaborating answers in my head.
I must be loosing my mind.

So deep in thoughts
I can feel someone else presence,
I’m believing my own stories,
I’m waking up in the middle of the night
looking for that someone.
I’m surely going crazy.

I need a fresh talk,
I need to stop dreaming,
I need to start living,
I’m lost, real lost, as never before,
I’m desperate.
Yes, I am completely insane.

Time.

What an admirable element, I wish I could have half its courage, its perseverance and its strength, its energy, which leaves me completely paralyzed sometimes.

What’s left is few. It runs and runs and never asks us anything, it’s leaving us behind and even when I try to move with it, I know it’s a lost battle, it’s authoritarian, selfish and possessive, completely self sufficient, it’s not afraid of anything, there’s no way to stop it nor way to make it regret something or make it think for a moment, it never doubts and never looks backwards, it never worries about what it leaves behind. Pain and joy seem to have the same meaning, it doesn’t flinch by any.

So run, let me know if you get there first.

Am I a twisted head?

Always thought it was stupid to have a diary, then I thought it could be useful to clear my mind, then I thought it would contain all my most secret feeling and thoughts, and then I thought “what if someone finds it, and reads it, and knows everything I am, and uses it”.

Ok, stop there, it can’t be that bad, can be?

Maybe I just have to relax, count to 10, and everything will be ok.

Yeah, no need to write!

Ok, but there’s so much in my head that I need to put it down in words, otherwise I’m gonna explode! I never say what I truly think so at least I can write it. Does it count?

I should erase this text. It’s useless. No one cares. What am I doing? They’re just thoughts, right? Sure they will disappear by tomorrow morning when I wake up and I won’t remember I felt so insecure.

Yeah! That’s what I’m gonna do, I’m gonna erase this, I’m gonna convince myself it never happened and I’m gonna move on.

Move on to what? For what? Why?

Am I a twisted head?