Vinilo

Music, the only one that has always fill my soul. Overwhelming emotions that runs through my veins filling every millimeter with warmth and joy. The one that makes me dance in the streets while walking. The one that makes me smile to life. The one that gives me all the strength to keep going and to see the bright side of things.

Movies, the magic itself! A world where everything can exist just by imagining it. A world you can create on your own. A very complex world, but where the inevitable nervousness at the first “Sound! Camera! Action!” until the overwhelming joy of last scene when you hear “Guys, we have a movie!”, are completely worthy.

My life with those two worlds in which evoque everything I love. In which I never stop learning and creating. In which I can be completely myself. I’ve always had the attraction for music videos, but then I watched a documentary called “Score” and there I realized what I wanted to do, what I wanted to be part of, and most of all, what I wanted to be. I want to live from films, I want to live from music. Once you’ve tasted that vibration that comes from your own music, you want it never to stop. And I won’t let it stop.

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Selfishness.

Yes, I left. I did it. I chose to. I chose to pursue my dream. Is it bad? Is it so bad to think about myself?

Some people think I am selfish, I can see it in their eyes every time I talk about my plans, some others think I’m crazy because I never settle for anything, I always want more.

And it’s true: I always want more.

I have that void that needs to be fill with something more than the ordinary, but maybe I was never meant to be an ordinary girl.

People come and go, they leave their mark on us, yes they do! And we learn to love them until we are willing to give up everything for them. We also grow up, of course, every experience gifts you something, good or bad, you’ve learn a lesson. But when they decide to leave, all our world falls down.

You can expect a lot or anything from the ones you love and the ones who love you, but you are the only one that matters, loving yourself, make yourself happy, do things for you. At the end of the day we ourselves are the only ones to whom we have to answer to, and there’s nothing selfish about that. A world can’t fall apart when there is more than one reason for living.

Don’t forget to breathe.

When you start missing the air you know that it won’t be long before tears begin to fall. The chest sinks and it seems that the lungs decided to shrink. It’s irritating to know that it still hurts, especially when it shouldn’t anymore. There are some things we prefer to bury in the back of our mind simply because we don’t know how to deal with them or simply because we don’t want to face the pain, we rather leave it there, isolated, in a place where it can’t hurt us again. And when we causally touch the subject, tears arise again, and it hurts once again, but with less intensity, and for less time, maybe that’s the way, maybe facing pain has always been the worst idea in the world. Maybe there will come a point when I will simply explode, or worse, when I won’t feel anything else. There is a song that says “a heart that has been broken is a heart that has been loved”, but after breaking, Can that heart love? Can that heart feel? When it has already turned to stone, can it beat again?

Restless again.

Same mornings, old faces,

noise filling all places,

too fast, too restless,

too far away from senses.

The body starts collapsing,

the mind flies away,

too fast, too restless,

my skin is screaming out the edges.

And I’ve been living in a world of mirrors,

and I’ve been holding up this stupid ego,

and I’ve been showing something I am not,

keeping all the walls, pushing all the world away,

all the world away.

Him.

We stared at each other for a couple of seconds. I don’t feel uncomfortable looking at his eyes. We spoke a lot last night after watching a movie. He’s been here the entire day, just as my mind going around him against my will. I can still picture his eyes, the way they looked at me, the way the kept on me. I still have his touch surrounding my back as he held me to say good bye today, the heat of his skin as our hands were the last to loose contact.

Maybe if I don’t write about him or if I don’t make it look important, I will let it go.

Restless

The nightmares started again.

One by one fill my head,

one by one distorting my senses.

I‘m feeling restless, and I can’t tell why,

uncertainty is taking the best of me.

.

I‘m looking for answers,

nightmares show up in the darkest times,

I dig in my brain and can’t find reason,

I overthink everything twice,

delirium is taking the worst of me.

.

I stay in silence,

analyze every step forward, every step back,

I retrace my feelings and the memories I have.

I dig in my brain and can’t find the reason.

for all of this restless collision.

I dreamed.

I dreamed with him, he held me and with the same smile that I remember, he told me not to blame myself for leaving him, that everything was fine. He made me feel better again, he made me think about him again, and to wish for him to be here with me, again. To think that maybe things would be much easier with him by my side and discover all these new places and new ways of doing things with him holding my hand, I was crying, I don’t understand why, but it felt so good to be held by his peace again, even if it was just a dream that by this hour of the day it feels so far away. Then something darkened in me, a strange feeling I can’t really describe, and he wasn’t holding me when that happened.

I dreamed with them, the same smiling couple I remember, she, one of my best friends, once I thought. I love her, but I’m afraid I never meant to her what she means to me. There’s so many things she wouldn’t have done if so. Even when she keeps saying I am one of her best friends. We had a very strange friendship. And I really don’t know where I stand now, where we stand now. I left the country, and I’m sure if I don’t contact her, she ever won’t.

I dreamed with that guy who once freed me, joking and complaining just like I remember. That guy I didn’t have because of my lack of self security, that guy who made me feel something similar than music, and that is hard to say. But I’m sure now, that wasn’t love.

***

The five of us where preparing pizza, laughing and joking just like I remember, some part of me want it to happen again. Some part of me would rather to go back to that time, I was happy then.

Tell me something about you.

Tell me something about you. Come on don’t be scared. Yeah I know it’s not easy to trust people after being broken down, specially when that pain came from people you love, I mean, a couple.. it’s sort of predictable, it’s meant to be somehow, now that I think about it maybe you didn’t love him enough, otherwise you would be under the ground. But when a friend turns you down, or when family turns you down, who can you trust now? It’s imposible to believe that, it feels like the whole world conspires against you, like there’s no more space for you, and suddenly you feel that you’re alone, and it means the freaking world when some other friend tells you “I can’t meet you today”, you start questioning yourself, you start doubting the people who are around you, and the worst thing is that you start to see the bad things of the world, thinking about second hidden intentions in everything people do, and when your head is about to explode you don’t tell anybody afraid they could use it agains you, to torture you, to manipulate you. So you start to play the tough girl, the one who doesn’t need anybody to be fine, the one who doesn’t let people get too close, and then you have some acquaintances but none truly friend, and you smile and laugh, but none of them are true, you just enjoy the moment, but you don’t feel any better when you’re alone again and demons start eating your head. And at the end of the day you find yourself alone and empty, and you blame yourself for letting that to happen, for not being truth no matter what, for building up walls that now people find so hard to go through, that they just rather walk away, they don’t stay to find out the good person you know you’re inside, even when you yourself deny it, because you already saw so much evil that in some point of the path you started thinking that you aren’t a good person either.

But that’s ok babe, the good thing is that now you know it, now you’ve realized it, and you can still do something about it, you can still be truth. And the first step to be honest with the world is to stop lying to yourself, so do it.

Now tell me something about you, you can give it a try, right?

Living with spiders.

⁃ Take me away. No, wait, first I have to recall the spiders.

⁃ What are you talking about?

⁃ The spiders, they’re the ones that had been hunting me. I have to say they look like butterflies sometimes, but I know deep inside they are spiders.

⁃ Then call out for them and let’s go.

⁃ The feeling is strange, am I really leaving? Can I really look forward with my eyes in the past? I’m following withered footprints.

⁃ And the steps you don’t want to remember.

⁃ Right, that too.

⁃ The miracle won’t show up on its own, you have to help.

⁃ What about the first time?

⁃ What?

⁃ When you do something for the first time, you have to make a wish, this is the first time I’m leaving home.

⁃ Wasn’t that when you see a shooting star?

⁃ Then we have to find one, and I’ll have two wishes!

⁃ Ok, we’ll look for one. But hurry up, the train is leaving.

⁃ Wait! I’m still missing two spiders.

⁃ Do you want me to help?

⁃ No, this is something I have to do.

⁃ What are you gonna do with them after?

⁃ I’m going to burn then.

⁃ Why?

⁃ So they don’t bother me again and I can move on, I told you, they’re spiders disguised as butterflies.

⁃ Ok, ok, but, why don’t you just hold them?

⁃ Why would I want to do that?

⁃ Because you can’t just live with butterflies pretending everything is beautiful, you have to learn to live with both, how are you gonna learn from your mistakes if you don’t know what they are?

⁃ I don’t need the spiders to remain me that.

⁃ Just saying you don’t have to burn them.

⁃ If I give them away they are going to bother someone else.

⁃ Another reason to keep them.

⁃ I need to move on.

⁃ Yeah, that I do know.

Brumes.

After the sixth cup of coffee my head starts spinning, the caffeine without sugar is not being very friendly with my stomach and I feel like I will vomit at any moment. I struggle to keep my eyes open but my eyelids seem to have three tons of weight each. I turn on my music player, I put the headphones and look for the most active music possible, I begin to walk around the room moving to the rhythm of the music, I get dizzy, I throw the small coffee thermos of the desk and then I notice that dancing I just ended all the energy that I had left. I fall on the bed, I try to get up but my arms can‘t hold me up.

⁃ “Don’t fall asleep, don’t fall asleep, don’t fall… asleep, don’t… fall… as… leep…, don’t…” -.

I open my eyes, I look around, everything is the same except for the fact that the carpet has absorbed all the coffee. I try to move but my body doesn’t respond, I start to despair, I feel something approaching me … it’s an animal, I know, I don’t understand why I know it, but I know it. It goes up to my bed and come close to me … it’s a wolf … I try to scream, hit something, get the attention of someone who takes me out of here, the animal is on my back, I feel its heat, I despair more, it breathes in a hectic way on my neck, I’m afraid, I want to escape, I can‘t get it, its intensity increases, I feel it closer, I panic and I realize that my room is with the light on … I only had the lamp on …

⁃ Laura! – yells Jaco

I find myself screaming when I open my eyes, I tremble, I am terrified, I almost do not hold my breath and I feel that my heart is going to come out.

⁃ It’s ok, it’s ok, I’m here – he’s breathless – I got you.

I cling to his arms like a child in their mother’s arms after facing the most terrifying of their monsters. His hand holds my head on his chest, the other covers my back with the blanket. His heat calms me although I think that his eyes are more effective, they are the ones that always bring me back to reality. He caresses me, he doesn’t move from my side, he waits for me to calm down with an infinite patience, watching each one of my breathings.

⁃ Jaco – I speak to him

⁃ Yes?

⁃ … don’t let me sleep.